(Last one, cross-posted from MySpace, orig. posted today, january 7, 2007)
my indoctrinated mind
Current mood: dumbfounded
so this book: 14,000 things to be happy about. it would almost be my new "bible" (do all humans need a crutch?)... except for all the odd notes i've written everywhere.
i don't recall "studying" this book in high school, when i bought it. but there they are, in my handwriting, my indoctrinated thoughts (this sounds like a Scrubs show title to me - anyone? anthony?).
they are really quite sick, actually. the notes, that is.
"get a new copy," says mike.
oh, but that seems wasteful, to purchase ANOTHER copy of a book i already own - it's in perfectly fine condition, and it's not my favorite book, nor is it particularly on my list of favorite books, though i do like it.
so i could: white-out the notes.
or i could: read them, laugh, and appreciate how far i've come out of the mindset of this cult.
the thing is, i was intending to give this book to my mom, who was always sad, to cheer her up. so the notes, i do believe, are written with her in mind. therefore, was this REALLY how i felt, really? or was i simply trying to appeal to mama, be what she wanted me to be?
i think probably a combination of the two.
so, for my ex-JW friends in MySpace-Land especially, but i'm sure everyone can appreciate the puke-factor in this, here are some things that my 15-year-old self wrote in my "happy thoughts" book:
book reads: knowing there will be many surprises in the future
liv writes: the paradise !! :-)
book reads: New York City
(oh boy)
liv writes (what else): Bethel, The Watchtower Farm, eating fresh berries
book reads: looking back on the past with as much pleasure as you get from looking forward to the future
liv writes: the past, when we were all little (& cute) and life was simple; the future, Paradise & HAPPY LIFE
book reads: buying a set of postcards at a museum to bring the museum home with you
liv writes: the circuit assembly hall of Jehovah's Witnesses in NYC & the Florida assembly hall
book reads: the greatest truths being the simplest
[insert groan here - you KNOW what's coming]
liv writes: Jehovah's Organization is full of those kinds of truths
(i'm so embarrassed! but this is how we improve, right? admit our past faults and mistakes...and learn from them...right? oh, gosh)
book reads: Anne Frank's The Diary of a Young Girl
liv writes: she will be resurrected
book reads: screwballs
liv writes: [my sister's] fiance!! :-)
(OK that doesn't have anything to do with JW's but it is just so funny to me. plus, and i'm not bitter or anything, 'screwball' is quite a nice term to call my brother-in-law, considering what he really is)
book reads: locating the fountain of youth
liv writes: It's serving Jehovah!!
book reads: seeing with new eyes
liv writes: the eagerness of someone just learning the truth
book reads: working towards goals
liv writes: baptism
book reads: butterflies migrating
liv reads: one of the many interesting topics an Awake! article has been done on
book reads: getting the best news of your life
liv writes: learning the way of the truth, the best way of living, no better way can there be found :-)
i actually left a few of the worst ones out - yes, they were worse than what you have already witnessed. yes, i know it's hard to comprehend this. yes, i too am apalled at what i once was capable of believing.
now i have to go wash my eyes out with soap. this stuff seriously gives me chills, and not the good kind.
Currently listening : Muppet Show: Music Mayhem & More - 25th Anniv Coll By Muppets Release date: By 17 September, 2002
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2 comments:
I recall writing a journal entry back in 1990/91(whenever it happened) just before the first Iraq war about how Jehovah wouldn't possibly let the earth be destroyed during this war and that I had nothing to worry about. That all would be well.
I think it's good for us to have these reminders of where we once were to see how far we've come. The blog serves that purpose well methinks. But yes, it can be incredibly triggering.
This post isn't necessarily my best, but I'll leave it as it shows (painfully) how far I've come. What I mean is I've grown a lot since I posted this. And the post is about my past, so it really is a good thing for me to read to see where I was as a JW, where I was three years ago, and where I am now.
I'm a much nicer person now. But I'm still funny!
Oh, and my bro-in-law is not so bad. He's been angry with me, out of love for his wife, my sister; because he perceives injustices within our family. When I look at things from his point of view I can see how he would feel I get away with things my sister doesn't.
While I don't necessarily agree with him because I don't think he's looking at The Big Picture, I probably am not looking at The Big Picture either. It's so easy to point fingers, you know? But really, we are all human, and we all have faults, we all make mistakes, and we all do the best we can. So I really hold no ill will toward my brother-in-law. All he is doing is trying to stand up for my sister, and for what he thinks is right, which are two very noble things.
See: GROWTH. And yet, I still have so much more growing to do!
Thanks for commenting on this post, Tall Penguin, it was a good thing for me to read years later!
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