i never looked... (aka Christmas Trees for Dummies, i.e. JW's)

i never gazed at christmas trees before this month. i never noticed how beautiful they are, if they are crooked or straight, full of branches or sparse, what kind of ornaments, if there is a pattern or theme, or just a random assortment...

if i did look it was with this sinking feeling of this object in the way, that i'm not supposed to look at. i never saw them as beautiful.

until this month.

does anybody understand this?

Blogs Taunt Me (JW's Kill) - Also, Benefiting from a Buddhist Thought at 4AM

Liv says:
it's OK

i don't actually expect people to read my blogs


the reason i hate blogs is because they taunt me


they seem like a viable form of self expression, but one i am unable to truly be myself in

they are like journal entries that other people read that are unlike any of my real at home journal entries

so they barely, if at all, reflect who i really am, as a journaler, if that makes any sense

so they baffle and frustrate me

but intrigue me nonetheless

and so i write in them

i almost bought a teeshirt once that said "Nobody cares about your Blogs"

but then I decided I like to have more positive messages across my chest


"There is no sorrow like separation, no sickness like hunger of heart, and no joy like the joy of freedom. Health, contentment and trust are your greatest possessions. Look within. Be still. Free from fear and attachment."


Those statements, for me, simultaneoulsy denounce the JW belief system, affirm that I am right to have left it, that I'm not making up the sickness in my head of how much I hurt for my lost family, and also confirms that I can just "be still" and let it be and not try to change things that are not in my power to change. Just be OK with things the way they are. Accept them as such.

Also I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to be attached, so to say, to something/someone/a way of life that is inherently harmful to me.

Also, at various times my mother and my sister have said it's more important to be at the meetings, to be a Jehovah's Witness, than to strive after my happiness. The Jehovah's Witnesses almost killed me. I am 100% sure of this fact. "Health, contentment and trust are your greatest possessions."

So I'm not selfish to pursue my own well-being, no matter what any JW will tell you.

I almost lost my life (I believe without a single solitary doubt that had I not gone to the hospital, I would be dead right now) and my mom and sister would prefer that to my current situation.

they have both said as much

and i know they both believe it to this very moment

and i can just stop being afraid about it and just accept it and just be at peace with myself, find my inner peace, and know i'm a good person and that i'm not selfish

not selfish to fight for my life everyday

i just wanted to explain what those words meant to me

maybe this should be in a blog

lol

well

do you think it's shit?

or is it OK?

it reflects how I feel?

but do you think that's just ridiculous?

unwarranted?




what?

so i have this blog

yeah blogs are lame. i concur. but somehow i feel the need to have one. i used to journal with the traditional pen and paper but now i have this new dell notebook. and it requires a blog. Yeah, right.

so i'm sure i will eventually/immediately have lots of uber important/asinine things to "say". enjoy, whoever is reading. so yeah, enjoy it, liv.

~livvy