I Don't Know What to Do (aka I Do Know What to Do and Just Don't Want to Do It)

Background: my first job since moving to California was an assistant director temp position for an organization that puts on music festivals. My second job is a program assistant position at a foundation office/grant-making organization, temp to perm, and it's the current job I'm holding.

My dilemma: Which job to choose.

The details: I became permanent at my nonprofit job about a month ago. No sooner did I do that but the music festival job (also a nonprofit but so not the point right now) made me an offer I can't refuse. (Also, an offer I didn't see coming, or I wouldn't have gone permanent here.)

Except for the lack of health benefits it's a pretty sweet deal.

I've spent many restless nights working out which job my heart must follow. I have obsessed over the health insurance issue and tried to decide if I can afford to go off insurance now that I finally just got back on it. I think I know what is best for me, but I have thought that before and hindsight proved me wrong. Still, I have decided to jump. I will regret it if I don't take this chance.

But now I don't know if I can tell these people at this overwhelmingly busy office that I really can't stay. I don't know how to tell them without burning bridges, that is. I can think of four people off the top of my head who will be so affected by my departure that they may actually cry at the news. Four people!

The thing is I really must go. My skin has been breaking out non-stop since I started here full-time (about 2.5 months ago). I don't sleep at night. I spend 90% of my waking life obsessing over the burdensome workload, office politics, and if I will ever catch up and feel like I belong. That has not let up since I started. My stomach feels like it is growing an ulcer, and the ulcer is having a dinner party. Intense stress has always had equally intense physical side effects for me, in addition to the number it does on my mind. These days my brain feels like goulash most of the time. Not a pleasant feeling for a brain, actually.

Since there really wasn't an alternative in sight in terms of another job, and this whole cost of living thing is sort of a big deal, I stuck with it and gave it my all. I thought "everything happens for a reason," which is something said around my house often, and that the bugs would work themselves out because life's journey set this job on my lap. I work with some really great people! My office space is fantastic! The country setting and the nature trail are a dream! And, it's only four minutes in a car from my house. Not to mention, they provide really good health insurance.

Are these actually reasons to stay at a job? Shouldn't the thing keeping me here be that I truly enjoy my work, feel valuable and maybe even valued, and share the vision of my organization?

Even though I feel that the work done here is really important, I hate about 50% of what I do. And the other 50% that I actually really enjoy is the source of the drama and stress. And now that I have another tangible and immediate option to consider, I have been daydreaming about not getting angry phone calls from desperate people whom the health system has failed and the only one they can take it out on is me, the program assistant who had to bear the bad news that their grant was [declined/reduced/not coming for another two weeks/enter other bad news here].

Does this make me a bad person for feeling this way? Am I selfish to understand that there is a reason I don't work in the health care field, that I just am not cut out for it, and that I take it personally every time I have to relay to a person why we can't help them? I want to help people, but at my personal expense? No one is taking care of me, and since I started working here that includes me. If I don't take care of me, who will?

OK, my boyfriend/partner/best friend/that guy I live with has been taking good care of me, but that is wearing on him as well, and besides he has all of his own drama to deal with (as does everyone, such is life). I expect him to take care of himself and lean on me for support, not rely on me 100%. It works both ways.

I know what I must do. I just don't want to do it. I feel like I'm breaking up with somebody. I guess in a way I am. It's not them, it's me. It's just that I will be totally gray within the year if I continue working here. Since I started this job I have counted six gray hairs that did not previously exist! Six! One for each of my six years of my second decade. That is too many, if you ask me! (And it's not in my head either. I showed Mike, who said I was making it up, and after investigating said gray hairs, he called me his old lady. Har. But then said I look sexy no matter what. That's a little better.)

I don't really feel like my unhappiness at my current job has anything to do with the other job, other than the other job being on the table provided me the ability to look at this current situation in a different, more honest (I think) light.

Well I haven't posted on this blog in so long that I really doubt anyone is listening. Sometimes it helps to put it out there and hope someone will read it. Are you listening, God? It's me, Naomi.

I could really use some advice here, but beware, I only want you to say what I want to hear. :-) Lucky for you, I have no idea what it is that I want to hear, so you're actually pretty safe here if you want to venture out and run my life.

Any takers? Anyone, anyone? It might actually be fun to run someone's life, even if only for a decision or two. You should try it.

P.S. I just rescheduled a meeting with my manager because I wanted to run this by some friends I trust first. Please, friends, HELP ME OUT!!!! I am not sure that I'm thinking clearly, on account of the deliriousness I'm feeling due to the sleep deprivation.