WHAT DO I WANT? (A Journal Entry)

I don't often re-read my journals, but once in a while I do. I have gone through tremendous change and growth within the last year, so as I finished writing the last page of that journal, I thought I could benefit from reading through a year's worth of ramblings.

There was some incredibly embarrassing stuff in there, so it's a good thing it's pen and paper stuffed under my mattress (not literally since I don't have to hide it from snoopy parents or siblings anymore) instead of internet blogs and the like.

With that said, I came across this journal entry, which I titled "WHAT DO I WANT?". I don't usually title my entries. But this one I did. Probably because half of my problems in life can be attributed to my not knowing how to answer that question. And probably because I had just, at 27 years of age, come to that realization.

You see, I was not raised to think about what I want. I was not taught that I had a say in my life. My parents deeply believe that God has a Will and that we are to adhere closely to that Will, and that our own thoughts, and desires, are inconsequential, especially when compared to God's Will.

I know that's not unusual; many people hold a similar belief. The difference in what my parents taught me and what others may believe is that my parents believe and taught that God's Will can only be found in publications written by the Jehovah's Witness Organization, The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. God's Will can only be found in publications written by The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Ruminate on that for a moment.

Anyway, somehow through my months and months of written meanderings; through my ups and downs with my partner, with my family, and with myself; it occurred to me that I was doing the same thing I had always done. I was trying to please everyone else by doing what I thought they wanted me to do, but by guessing incorrectly, I was pleasing nobody. My partner told me I needed to stop trying to do what I thought he wanted me to do and start doing what I wanted to do. He said he tells me when he wants me to do something, so the guessing is pointless and unproductive. Just figure out what I want to do.

What I want to do?
What I want to do?

What do I want to do?

Other than my love of reading and writing, I had little idea of what the heck I wanted to do. I knew what society and religion and environment had dictated for me to do.

I knew that I had convinced myself that's what I wanted also.

But the fact was I was never happy. Never happy. So it was obvious I didn't really want to do what everyone else thought I should be doing, or what I thought everyone else thought I should be doing (aren't the little games we play with ourselves so strange, and truly ineffective, sometimes).

Or, if I did, want to do what others thought I should do (or what I thought others wanted me to do), I still needed to sit back, take some time, and reflect on what I truly wanted to do with myself. If I was the only one in the world, if nobody else had any way to indicate to me what I should be doing, what would I do?

That was the question.

So I wrote this entry, called WHAT DO I WANT? And I made a list, as honest a list as I could come up with in the moment. This is my journal, so it's where I am brutally honest with myself, or so I think (but that's another story altogether). And coming across this entry many months later, I thought it would be a good reminder to everyone that in order for us to be happy, to be content, with whatever is going on in our lives, we need to have in mind what we want out of life. And we need to make ourselves happy first and foremost. Not out of selfishness, but because it's our personal responsibility. It's not my partner's job to make me happy. It's my job. If I am happy with my partner, it's because I'm happy with myself. That's just logic, baby. Logic that I was really slow to come by, but... better late than never, right? (See, I'm still seeking others' approval.)

And I can prove it to you: eight or nine months ago I was wretchedly unhappy. And so was my partner. I started taking care of myself, by myself, stopped expecting my partner to do nice things for me in order for me to feel complete. I started to learn how to validate myself. It sure as hell wasn't easy, especially after a lifetime of seeking the constant approval of others in my life: my mom, the congregation elders, my older sister. If I felt someone was mad at me for some reason, I couldn't concentrate, I had a stomachache, I was just plain miserable, inside, and to be around. But the fact is that I will always be pissing off somebody for some stupid or good reason, and though I may or may not need to make amends, I still need to get on with my day. I need to be able to function normally. I need to be the approval I seek, I need to be the approval I so strongly desire. I need to be strong in myself.

TODAY: I am, as my stepkids like to say when the doggies are getting their bellies rubbed, "blissed out." And the only thing that has changed in my life is me.

So here's my list. I wrote this October 25, 2008. I think it's a pretty good start. And for whatever it's worth, I post it here in case it might help someone else. If not, well, what are ya gonna do? Can't please everybody. Might as well at least please yourself.

I typed this out how I wrote it - so all caps means it was in all caps in my diary, one line starts with an initial cap, while the next one doesn't, repeating words or what-not, etc. You get the idea. Enjoy, hopefully. Or not. I like it.

WHAT DO I WANT?
10.25.08

• A husband who adores me
• to work hard and see fruits of my efforts
• to travel places
• to help people
• to get to move a lot for work - I hate sitting still unless I'm reading
• I want to MATTER to people - unknown and unimportant (Don't mistake this for wanting to be a "public persona" - no, I don't - but I do want to involved in my community)
• to be involved in my community
• to be someone who is known as kind, wise, graceful and dignified - someone who has a good head on her shoulders
• to think before I speak
• to not overreact to others
• someone who does not give up
• someone who is known for quietly enduring and putting others ahead of myself - always finding a way to smile through the tears
• Benevolent - to be benevolent
• confidence in myself not constantly seeking approval in others which certainly weighs people down (my partner especially)
• to consider what others need and how my actions affect them
  
• to speak kindly and thoughtfully to others
• to figure out how to be happy with what I have and stop thinking the grass is always greener elsewhere
• to understand that my mother is entitled to her opinions and they may be even be right and to respect that opinions mean different things to different people in different places and that's not only okay but how it works sometimes

I'm sure I'll be further expanding on this list as I evolve through life.

Now, if you are reading this, and you know me, or you don't, I welcome you to reflect on what you want, and if you are so inclined, to share your list too. It's wonderful to realize that what we want personally is not necessarily selfish in itself. What we want is meaningful. To fulfill what we want is our personal responsibility. Knowing what we want and being able to fill our own desires is part of what helps us to be quality people who are able to be of benefit to others.

I strongly encourage all people everywhere to spend some time on this process and realize, especially if you have never done this before, realize what it is that you want.

BOOK REVIEW: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

6/12 - I give this three stars because I reserve four and five stars for the most compelling, beautiful novels I have read. Unfair? Possibly. The book is good, the advice is sound. Allow me to elaborate. I think you will be interested in what I have to say. Just hear it out though, the end of the review is where the best stuff is waiting.

The funny thing I notice about some women is that they will dress up to the nines, do their hair and nails and make-up, and then seduce the hell outta the guy they are super into. And when it works - when he is just that into her - and they fall in love and get married, they suddenly think the man should just love them for whatever they are, and no longer put any effort into it.

The truth is, ladies, just because you are his wife now, does not mean he doesn't want you to dress all sexy for him and do those coy things that girlfriends do. He would love for you to flirt with him like you used to! Plus it was fun and exciting for you too, so it's a win-win!

Some feminists say it's degrading and they shouldn't have to demean themselves in this way. My opinion is that if you are not willing to do something throughout your marriage, then it is not a sustainable activity and you therefore should not get a guy's hopes up by "catching him" this way. (Just be yourself! Why do something you hate so much? You are just being fake if you hate it and do it anyway. And if you secretly think it's fun to use your femininity in such a way, then you are being dishonest with yourself to say you don't want to do it anymore now that you are married.) My opinion is also that you should stop taking yourself so seriously. (DISCLAIMER: Opinions are just that.)

And it's not degrading. Because we women are aware that we have power over men by using our "feminine wiles." It's just a fact. A woman knows when a man is interested and she may be able to get something out of it. We can abuse this just for attention and/or gifts, which is unnecessarily cruel and childish (if it's a man you are just not that into). But we can, and we women know we can.

This book basically teaches that women have all the power in the relationship, the power to make or break their home, to make it a happy one or a miserable one. Some may be offended by this, but since when is power a bad thing? I thought that is what we women wanted. Well, we have it. We always have.

Those who say men and women are exactly the same are doing themselves and the world a huge disservice. Women and men are different for very good reasons. Women need to stop treating their men like there is something wrong with them for being men, and instead find ways to encourage and appreciate their manliness.

The secret is really simple: love, respect, and appreciate your man, and he will fall all over himself to give you the world.

I have been putting what I read in this book into practice over the last month, and my relationship has improved a hundredfold. I would recommend every woman read this book with an open mind and find ways to apply it in her life. The concepts are really quite simple and women simply need to get over themselves and realize it's not degrading, it's empowering!

While I don't necessarily agree with all of Dr. Laura's politics (that's putting it mildly), her relationship advice is stellar! Every time I apply something she suggests my relationship improves dramatically. And I have never once felt demeaned by it. This lady does know what she is talking about. Give it a try, you just might like it.

(And I would even venture to say, to the men, that you should never marry someone who refuses to read this book! I am very serious about this point, Gentlemen. You deserve a woman who knows the secrets.)


4/15 - I just ordered this from the library because my curiosity is getting the best of me. What are the secrets to taking care of a man?

I am a feminist, which to me means empowering women, but not at the expense of other humans. I am not a man-hating feminist. I do believe my man should take care of me as well. My man does in fact do this. I do what I can to be a good partner to my man, but I feel that I could do more, if only I knew what to do. So maybe Dr. Laura really does hold the secrets to pleasing a man. It'll be interesting to see what she says.

(This review can also be found at goodreads.com. A great site at which to network with other book lovers.)

Book Review: Julie & Julia, a Memoir, by Julie Powell

Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen by Julie Powell

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book is fabulous. It really spoke to me, and at the risk of sounding cliche and silly, it's more about the meaning of life than it is about cooking all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in only 365 days (there are over 500 crazy-difficult recipes in there, by the way). Cooking all those recipes in a years' time is simply how one person found her way in the world. Which, I believe, is a tricky thing to do, and not everyone is lucky enough to find their way.

I read other reviews on here that said Julie Powell was whiny in this book. I disagree. To me, she was ballsy enough to write in front of the world all of the crazy, insecure thoughts that every woman experiences at some point in her life.

Or maybe you have never thought you were so grotesque and hideous and your husband is clearly falling out of love with you. Well, you are lucky. And I can see why you don't get this book.

Julie Powell's book gave me hope that I too can realize my dreams. She swore too much and didn't give a shit about it. She fumbled and fell down and wrote about it with sincerity and levity. She, in my opinion, was very brave and giving to do this, to share this with us.

It's been a while since I read a book where I was sad to be done because I enjoyed it so thoroughly. This was one such book. Though in the beginning it took me a bit to get into it, once I realized Powell is basically as funny as Chris Rock with the mindset and emotions that I so clearly recognize in my own self, well then I was hooked.

Well done, Julie Powell, and thanks for everything.


View all my reviews.