Lulu was lost. She was not afraid to admit it.
OK, she was terrified. But she still admitted it. Are you happy?
Lulu was tired, and dirty, and lost. She hadn't slept in days, hadn't showered in a week, and she didn't know where her backpack was. She didn't know where anything was.
So, she trudged. Trudged down the lonely highway. Tried to not think about the rain pouring down on her exhausted achy body. Tried to think happy thoughts. Just trudged.
Cars would pass, but no one would respond to her signals for a ride. Resembling a drowned rat surely didn't help the situation. But, where were people's hearts anyway? She was already down, and every car that zipped by felt like a kick to her ribs. Not knowing what else to do, she trudged.
How the hell did she get herself into this mess anyway? She recalled being happy, living her "dream life", but when was that? Months ago? Years ago? Days ago? It could have been decades for all she knew. Her lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of anything reasonable skewed her memories, skewed her logic, hampered her thinking. Thinking, hah. Lulu wasn't even attempting thinking at this point.
And yet, no matter how she tried, her mind drifted back to that night. That now infamous, but only to her, night. The one where she could have just kept her mouth shut. She could have accepted that they were not going to rent a movie, even though it was their anniversary, even though her boyfriend had promised, even though she had come through on her side of the deal and had gone to work with him for eight hours, in spite of the fact that she had been sick for a week and wasn't feeling that well. Lulu knew how much it meant to her boyfriend to support him in his work, so she was there. She had asked for a walk together, and to watch a movie together. The hours rolled by, and she grew tired. She didn't press the walk. On the way home, he asked her if she needed anything. She asked for rice pudding. He held her hand in the dairy aisle. Back in the car, she asked if they were still going to get a movie. He said yes. They stopped at the movie store, but the one she wanted was out. She asked if he wanted to pick something else out. He said he was pretty tired.
She could have just shut up at this point. But she could never do that. She just has to run her stupid mouth all the time. So she said she didn't get her side of the deal, their anniversary deal. And that she wished she hadn't gone with him to work. And she called him a liar. He started yelling at her. He never yelled. But this time, he yelled. He yelled that she wasted his entire morning, that his day was not productive because it was her fault, all kinds of other awful things that cut right to her heart. Back at home, he got out of the car, and sat on the front porch, smoking. She bawled in the car, embarrassed to be so upset, but unable to quell the tears. After a few moments, she saw in the darkness the lit end of his cigarette. Something inside of her snapped. She felt a rage of a year's worth of suppressed feelings all coming together and overflowing. She got out of the car, left the door open. Walked over to him. Told him she wanted him out, that she did not want to live with him anymore. Said it quietly. Just as quietly, he responded, no problem.
Just like that.
Lulu yelled inside her brain to shut up. She stopped the rest of the events from replaying in her mind. What was the point? Would it change anything? Would it make him come back? Would it make them happy again?
Those were impossible things, Lulu knew that. And so, Lulu just trudged. Yelled at the loud thoughts in her brain telling her she had nothing to live for anymore. Told them to shut up.
Headlights approached, from the opposite direction this time, and Lulu stuck out her thumb. She didn't have any idea where she was going, didn't have anything to go to, so she didn't care if she went in the opposite direction. She was tired of the rain, tired of walking, just plain tired.
The car slowed for a second, then sped on by.
That felt almost worse than when they drove by so fast their tires splashed dirty water onto her.
Up ahead, Lulu thought she saw a light. She didn't know if it was real or not, if she was imagining it. It didn't seem like it belonged to a car, but she couldn't quite make out what kind of light it might be. She tried not to be too hopeful. She just put one foot in front of the other and tried to not think about the distant light. If she didn't go crazy in the process, she might be rewarded with something good. Heck, she might already be crazy, she wasn't sure anymore. If she was ever sure about that.
But no, the light did seem to be getting a bit closer, a bit brighter. This motivated Lulu to pick up her pace a bit, almost to a slow jog. She was beyond tears at this point, and yet if there was some kind of shelter up ahead, she just might cry again. It might not be helped.
Slowly she was able to make it out a bit more. It was a sign of some kind. The kind that belongs to 24-hour restaurants, used car lots, dive bars. She couldn't make out the words but she could see it had words on it. This felt like a positive thing.
Her boyfriend left, on foot. She went after him, pleaded for him to come back, said she was sorry, she made a mistake, she didn't want him to leave. He said he fell out of love with her and it was over and to go away. He didn't respond to half of what she said, and the other half involved yelling and swearing. She pulled over and got out of the car, asked if she could walk with him, talk with him. He took off running. Finally she called her mom. She knew she was acting crazy, letting her desperation get the best of her. She knew her mom would be a calming force.
Now Lulu could make out the word "Babes". That was the only word she could read, though she could see others on the sign. She felt this ruled out used car lot.
There was a time when they hugged, laughed, couldn't get enough of each other's lips, cuddled and talked until two in the morning. She had believed they would have this forever. She had believed he was her best friend, her soulmate. He turned on her so fast that she is still in denial about it. Trudging down the road, drenched and filthy, Lulu alternates between the belief that this is just a bad dream and that he will change his mind. Every so often, even though she thought she was out of tears long ago, she breaks into sobs at the realization, as if for the first time, that he is really gone, that he is not coming back, that what they had is nothing now, it is broken, and unfixable.
She has nothing, and she wants nothing. Nothing but that which she cannot have. And thus her life is meaningless. Except for the sign up ahead. Remembering where she is, she looks up at the sign again, and is surprised to find it much closer now. "Biker Babes", it reads. A biker bar.
The biker bar shined like a beacon of salvation. Lulu almost felt like she belonged somewhere. She quickened her pace again, and hoped for the best. She shoved her broken heart to the back of her mind and forced herself to focus on the possibilities that lay before her.
Stop Whining, Start Living: Turning Hurt Into Happiness by Laura C. Schlessinger
