WHAT DO I WANT? (A Journal Entry)

I don't often re-read my journals, but once in a while I do. I have gone through tremendous change and growth within the last year, so as I finished writing the last page of that journal, I thought I could benefit from reading through a year's worth of ramblings.

There was some incredibly embarrassing stuff in there, so it's a good thing it's pen and paper stuffed under my mattress (not literally since I don't have to hide it from snoopy parents or siblings anymore) instead of internet blogs and the like.

With that said, I came across this journal entry, which I titled "WHAT DO I WANT?". I don't usually title my entries. But this one I did. Probably because half of my problems in life can be attributed to my not knowing how to answer that question. And probably because I had just, at 27 years of age, come to that realization.

You see, I was not raised to think about what I want. I was not taught that I had a say in my life. My parents deeply believe that God has a Will and that we are to adhere closely to that Will, and that our own thoughts, and desires, are inconsequential, especially when compared to God's Will.

I know that's not unusual; many people hold a similar belief. The difference in what my parents taught me and what others may believe is that my parents believe and taught that God's Will can only be found in publications written by the Jehovah's Witness Organization, The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. God's Will can only be found in publications written by The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Ruminate on that for a moment.

Anyway, somehow through my months and months of written meanderings; through my ups and downs with my partner, with my family, and with myself; it occurred to me that I was doing the same thing I had always done. I was trying to please everyone else by doing what I thought they wanted me to do, but by guessing incorrectly, I was pleasing nobody. My partner told me I needed to stop trying to do what I thought he wanted me to do and start doing what I wanted to do. He said he tells me when he wants me to do something, so the guessing is pointless and unproductive. Just figure out what I want to do.

What I want to do?
What I want to do?

What do I want to do?

Other than my love of reading and writing, I had little idea of what the heck I wanted to do. I knew what society and religion and environment had dictated for me to do.

I knew that I had convinced myself that's what I wanted also.

But the fact was I was never happy. Never happy. So it was obvious I didn't really want to do what everyone else thought I should be doing, or what I thought everyone else thought I should be doing (aren't the little games we play with ourselves so strange, and truly ineffective, sometimes).

Or, if I did, want to do what others thought I should do (or what I thought others wanted me to do), I still needed to sit back, take some time, and reflect on what I truly wanted to do with myself. If I was the only one in the world, if nobody else had any way to indicate to me what I should be doing, what would I do?

That was the question.

So I wrote this entry, called WHAT DO I WANT? And I made a list, as honest a list as I could come up with in the moment. This is my journal, so it's where I am brutally honest with myself, or so I think (but that's another story altogether). And coming across this entry many months later, I thought it would be a good reminder to everyone that in order for us to be happy, to be content, with whatever is going on in our lives, we need to have in mind what we want out of life. And we need to make ourselves happy first and foremost. Not out of selfishness, but because it's our personal responsibility. It's not my partner's job to make me happy. It's my job. If I am happy with my partner, it's because I'm happy with myself. That's just logic, baby. Logic that I was really slow to come by, but... better late than never, right? (See, I'm still seeking others' approval.)

And I can prove it to you: eight or nine months ago I was wretchedly unhappy. And so was my partner. I started taking care of myself, by myself, stopped expecting my partner to do nice things for me in order for me to feel complete. I started to learn how to validate myself. It sure as hell wasn't easy, especially after a lifetime of seeking the constant approval of others in my life: my mom, the congregation elders, my older sister. If I felt someone was mad at me for some reason, I couldn't concentrate, I had a stomachache, I was just plain miserable, inside, and to be around. But the fact is that I will always be pissing off somebody for some stupid or good reason, and though I may or may not need to make amends, I still need to get on with my day. I need to be able to function normally. I need to be the approval I seek, I need to be the approval I so strongly desire. I need to be strong in myself.

TODAY: I am, as my stepkids like to say when the doggies are getting their bellies rubbed, "blissed out." And the only thing that has changed in my life is me.

So here's my list. I wrote this October 25, 2008. I think it's a pretty good start. And for whatever it's worth, I post it here in case it might help someone else. If not, well, what are ya gonna do? Can't please everybody. Might as well at least please yourself.

I typed this out how I wrote it - so all caps means it was in all caps in my diary, one line starts with an initial cap, while the next one doesn't, repeating words or what-not, etc. You get the idea. Enjoy, hopefully. Or not. I like it.

WHAT DO I WANT?
10.25.08

• A husband who adores me
• to work hard and see fruits of my efforts
• to travel places
• to help people
• to get to move a lot for work - I hate sitting still unless I'm reading
• I want to MATTER to people - unknown and unimportant (Don't mistake this for wanting to be a "public persona" - no, I don't - but I do want to involved in my community)
• to be involved in my community
• to be someone who is known as kind, wise, graceful and dignified - someone who has a good head on her shoulders
• to think before I speak
• to not overreact to others
• someone who does not give up
• someone who is known for quietly enduring and putting others ahead of myself - always finding a way to smile through the tears
• Benevolent - to be benevolent
• confidence in myself not constantly seeking approval in others which certainly weighs people down (my partner especially)
• to consider what others need and how my actions affect them
  
• to speak kindly and thoughtfully to others
• to figure out how to be happy with what I have and stop thinking the grass is always greener elsewhere
• to understand that my mother is entitled to her opinions and they may be even be right and to respect that opinions mean different things to different people in different places and that's not only okay but how it works sometimes

I'm sure I'll be further expanding on this list as I evolve through life.

Now, if you are reading this, and you know me, or you don't, I welcome you to reflect on what you want, and if you are so inclined, to share your list too. It's wonderful to realize that what we want personally is not necessarily selfish in itself. What we want is meaningful. To fulfill what we want is our personal responsibility. Knowing what we want and being able to fill our own desires is part of what helps us to be quality people who are able to be of benefit to others.

I strongly encourage all people everywhere to spend some time on this process and realize, especially if you have never done this before, realize what it is that you want.

BOOK REVIEW: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

6/12 - I give this three stars because I reserve four and five stars for the most compelling, beautiful novels I have read. Unfair? Possibly. The book is good, the advice is sound. Allow me to elaborate. I think you will be interested in what I have to say. Just hear it out though, the end of the review is where the best stuff is waiting.

The funny thing I notice about some women is that they will dress up to the nines, do their hair and nails and make-up, and then seduce the hell outta the guy they are super into. And when it works - when he is just that into her - and they fall in love and get married, they suddenly think the man should just love them for whatever they are, and no longer put any effort into it.

The truth is, ladies, just because you are his wife now, does not mean he doesn't want you to dress all sexy for him and do those coy things that girlfriends do. He would love for you to flirt with him like you used to! Plus it was fun and exciting for you too, so it's a win-win!

Some feminists say it's degrading and they shouldn't have to demean themselves in this way. My opinion is that if you are not willing to do something throughout your marriage, then it is not a sustainable activity and you therefore should not get a guy's hopes up by "catching him" this way. (Just be yourself! Why do something you hate so much? You are just being fake if you hate it and do it anyway. And if you secretly think it's fun to use your femininity in such a way, then you are being dishonest with yourself to say you don't want to do it anymore now that you are married.) My opinion is also that you should stop taking yourself so seriously. (DISCLAIMER: Opinions are just that.)

And it's not degrading. Because we women are aware that we have power over men by using our "feminine wiles." It's just a fact. A woman knows when a man is interested and she may be able to get something out of it. We can abuse this just for attention and/or gifts, which is unnecessarily cruel and childish (if it's a man you are just not that into). But we can, and we women know we can.

This book basically teaches that women have all the power in the relationship, the power to make or break their home, to make it a happy one or a miserable one. Some may be offended by this, but since when is power a bad thing? I thought that is what we women wanted. Well, we have it. We always have.

Those who say men and women are exactly the same are doing themselves and the world a huge disservice. Women and men are different for very good reasons. Women need to stop treating their men like there is something wrong with them for being men, and instead find ways to encourage and appreciate their manliness.

The secret is really simple: love, respect, and appreciate your man, and he will fall all over himself to give you the world.

I have been putting what I read in this book into practice over the last month, and my relationship has improved a hundredfold. I would recommend every woman read this book with an open mind and find ways to apply it in her life. The concepts are really quite simple and women simply need to get over themselves and realize it's not degrading, it's empowering!

While I don't necessarily agree with all of Dr. Laura's politics (that's putting it mildly), her relationship advice is stellar! Every time I apply something she suggests my relationship improves dramatically. And I have never once felt demeaned by it. This lady does know what she is talking about. Give it a try, you just might like it.

(And I would even venture to say, to the men, that you should never marry someone who refuses to read this book! I am very serious about this point, Gentlemen. You deserve a woman who knows the secrets.)


4/15 - I just ordered this from the library because my curiosity is getting the best of me. What are the secrets to taking care of a man?

I am a feminist, which to me means empowering women, but not at the expense of other humans. I am not a man-hating feminist. I do believe my man should take care of me as well. My man does in fact do this. I do what I can to be a good partner to my man, but I feel that I could do more, if only I knew what to do. So maybe Dr. Laura really does hold the secrets to pleasing a man. It'll be interesting to see what she says.

(This review can also be found at goodreads.com. A great site at which to network with other book lovers.)

Book Review: Julie & Julia, a Memoir, by Julie Powell

Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen by Julie Powell

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book is fabulous. It really spoke to me, and at the risk of sounding cliche and silly, it's more about the meaning of life than it is about cooking all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in only 365 days (there are over 500 crazy-difficult recipes in there, by the way). Cooking all those recipes in a years' time is simply how one person found her way in the world. Which, I believe, is a tricky thing to do, and not everyone is lucky enough to find their way.

I read other reviews on here that said Julie Powell was whiny in this book. I disagree. To me, she was ballsy enough to write in front of the world all of the crazy, insecure thoughts that every woman experiences at some point in her life.

Or maybe you have never thought you were so grotesque and hideous and your husband is clearly falling out of love with you. Well, you are lucky. And I can see why you don't get this book.

Julie Powell's book gave me hope that I too can realize my dreams. She swore too much and didn't give a shit about it. She fumbled and fell down and wrote about it with sincerity and levity. She, in my opinion, was very brave and giving to do this, to share this with us.

It's been a while since I read a book where I was sad to be done because I enjoyed it so thoroughly. This was one such book. Though in the beginning it took me a bit to get into it, once I realized Powell is basically as funny as Chris Rock with the mindset and emotions that I so clearly recognize in my own self, well then I was hooked.

Well done, Julie Powell, and thanks for everything.


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BOOK REVIEW: Stop Whining, Start Living: Turning Hurt Into Happiness by Laura C. Schlessinger

Stop Whining, Start Living: Turning Hurt Into Happiness by Laura C. Schlessinger

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
What this book teaches: Happiness is a choice, sounds trite, but it's not. It takes grit and spirit to live your life in a positive manner. Terrible things happen to all of us. Whining has a temporary place in life - it can heal us to be able to whine or vent about something; it's when it takes up permanent residence that it is a negative thing.

Instead of whining about all of our needs that aren't being met strive to fill other people's needs. We will find that our own needs are filled up in that way.

Every time I apply Dr. Laura's advice in my life, very positive results ensue. She is very opinionated, but she is real. She insists that you have to work hard and consciously choose to have a happy life. We can't control a lot of what happens in life. We can control how we react to it. It sounds simple, but Dr. Laura uses real life examples from phone calls to her show and letters and emails written to her to drive the points home over and over again. This helps the reader to figure out how to apply the concepts to herself.

Some of my favorite quotes:

"Yes, indeed, just join the human race; better than some, not as good as others, but always striving for the heavens - AND - with an attitude of loving appreciation for the opportunities, not a self-loathing discounting of your potential."

This is in application to a woman who is dying of cancer and chooses to have a quality life with her family instead of undergoing further futile chemo treatments that are very disruptive and painful:
"At these times you can curse the coming darkness or praise the available light. I am always deeply moved by people who embrace the latter. It's all we have actually, those moments of life with those who matter."

"There are no real excuses for not doing the right thing."

"Deciding to make a choice is the decision to become supremely human. Lower animals run largely on instinct. What makes humans so special is the ability to reason and make choices. That's your power. Use it."

An excerpt from a letter to Dr. Laura from a woman who is very overweight due to drowning out her sorrows by emotional eating - her fiance has broken off the relationship as a result:
"I have to regain my health and show this great guy - and he is a good man - that I care enough about my life to be the gift he truly deserves."

Dr. Laura preaches that we can pretend to feel a certain way and that it will almost always turn into our actually feeling that way:
"So even before you have a change of mind or heart - you can behave as though you have a change of mind or heart. Funny thing, it usually makes you feel a change in mind and heart."

"Despair is a cheap excuse for avoiding one's purpose in life. And a sense of purpose is the best way to avoid despair." - Rabbi Menanchem Schneerson as quoted by Dr. Laura

Remember the stories we tell about our grandparents and great grandparents who stood up to adversity and worked hard for what they got:
"In a nutshell, when you spend your time whining, justified or not, you lose time living. Don't make that trade-off. Make the story of your life an inspiration to the generations."

An excerpt of an email/letter to Dr. Laura:
"If the grass is greener on the other side, water your own damn lawn."

AMEN.


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BOOK REVIEW: Prodigal Summer: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver

Prodigal Summer: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book is so fantastically beautifully written that I do believe I'm in love with every word of it. It's a good thing it's a "love story" of sorts, but not the kind you might expect. It's a love story about nature, about wild animals and bugs and trees and how it all fits together to make the world go 'round. This book not only made me view the world in a more balanced light it helped me get over my fear of spiders. My hatred of flies is much larger than my fear of spiders and without the spiders I do believe we'd be drowning in flies.


I'm of course oversimplifying this story. It's not at all about spiders and flies in fact. It's actually about coyotes. And strong women living in a backwards county that believes these women should fit into some kind of mold. And a crotchety old man whom I hated up until about the last quarter of the book. And the purpose of life, in a very straightforward unpretentious manner.


I already loved Barbara Kingsolver just from reading The Bean Trees, which I randomly bought for a quarter outside of Half Price Books a few summers ago. I read the first few pages of The Poisonwood Bible and decided I wasn't in the right head space for that one yet. After reading Prodigal Summer I fully intend to get my hands on and read every word ever written by Kingsolver, including The Poisonwood Bible. Kingsolver is brilliant. Purely brilliant.


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BOOK REVIEW: Life of Pi, a Novel

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
A book of extremes. It's about losing EVERYTHING that is important to you ALL AT THE SAME TIME, and SIMULTANEOUSLY facing insurmountable obstacles. Death by sharks versus death by tiger. Death by the elements versus death by starvation. Survival by the sheer will to live. By paying attention to what your parents were trying to teach you.

This book shows that FAITH is a MUST if you expect to make it. That HARD WORK is our best friend in the direst of moments. That we can only rely on ourselves in this world so we'd better figure out HOW TO DO THAT.

Did I love it? I don't know. I was very much connected to Pi Patel, the story's protagonist. I had a very strong will to read the entire book to see if he would survive, even though I knew he would, as he was the one telling the story. But as I had no idea HOW he was possibly going to go about living in his poor of poorest states, I plowed through the pages to find out. And find out I did.

Sometimes I felt like the writer was trying to make me feel like I should be appreciative for my lot in life, as it could get worse. I could be shipwrecked, stuck on a tiny lifeboat with a 450-pound Bengal tiger, with no one searching for me, no one even knowing about me. When I thought that was what Yann Martel, Life of Pi's author, was trying to make me feel, I was slightly resentful. What does HE know about my lot in life? How does he know it's better than this?

Plainly, because just about anything has to be better than the situation Pi Patel found himself in.

Ultimately, I think I would recommend this book to others because it has some good lessons in it, because it's a beautiful testament to how powerful fiction can truly be. Well done, Yann Martel, well done. If I ever write a book half as good as yours, I will feel very accomplished.

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Written for me, because of me, or in spite of me?

This is something that a dear dear friend wrote about me. It still makes me cry, though it's nearly two years later. It is beautiful, and it still makes me feel so special when I come across it.

I knock on her door knowing this is the last time in a long time. We’ve both got journeys to make, but one is worth more than the other. I’ve got luggage in my hands, yet she is the one who’s leaving. The first thing she says is “good morning”, the second thing she says is “don’t cry.” She knows me pretty well; there’s no chance that I’m going to cry, but I sure as hell want to.

I hug her how many times? Three, five? I don’t really remember. I do remember the lazy lovely weekends. The lunches we go to because neither of us feels like cooking. The fights that are over before they begin. The stupid jokes that seem brilliant when shared between us. Fox in Socks? I hug you! I remember the trivial times that, when added up, are the true times. The moments that make me glad to be alive.

On my false journey I sit watching the sun set over an ocean, high up above the land. “Only fools are enslaved by time and space!” I shout to myself. I convince myself that times will come back again and distances will shrink to nothing. But that is the immortal me who dares at gods, not the mortal me who fears in the dark. When the sun sets it gets dark. And I fear. I fear that I don’t get this again. I fear that her beauty won’t make me feel beautiful again. I fear that I am nothing more than me. And she is nothing more than she. I fear the truth when the sun goes down.

I’m already in view of the ocean, but my ticket is round-trip. Hers is one way, and it’s written in necessity. She goes because she should, because it is the best for her, because she has somewhere to go, because she is smart enough to dare. She goes because she must. I stay because I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what is best, I only know that I’m on the edge of banality.

High above the ground, high above the waves, on my sojourn from reality, where my troubles still follow, I look out to the western ocean. The ocean that will be her backyard. We are both going on journeys, but mine is almost over. Hers is to last for an age.

I love you. I miss you. We shared some good times. We shared some good space. We were more than certainly fools.