WHAT DO I WANT? (A Journal Entry)

I don't often re-read my journals, but once in a while I do. I have gone through tremendous change and growth within the last year, so as I finished writing the last page of that journal, I thought I could benefit from reading through a year's worth of ramblings.

There was some incredibly embarrassing stuff in there, so it's a good thing it's pen and paper stuffed under my mattress (not literally since I don't have to hide it from snoopy parents or siblings anymore) instead of internet blogs and the like.

With that said, I came across this journal entry, which I titled "WHAT DO I WANT?". I don't usually title my entries. But this one I did. Probably because half of my problems in life can be attributed to my not knowing how to answer that question. And probably because I had just, at 27 years of age, come to that realization.

You see, I was not raised to think about what I want. I was not taught that I had a say in my life. My parents deeply believe that God has a Will and that we are to adhere closely to that Will, and that our own thoughts, and desires, are inconsequential, especially when compared to God's Will.

I know that's not unusual; many people hold a similar belief. The difference in what my parents taught me and what others may believe is that my parents believe and taught that God's Will can only be found in publications written by the Jehovah's Witness Organization, The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. God's Will can only be found in publications written by The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Ruminate on that for a moment.

Anyway, somehow through my months and months of written meanderings; through my ups and downs with my partner, with my family, and with myself; it occurred to me that I was doing the same thing I had always done. I was trying to please everyone else by doing what I thought they wanted me to do, but by guessing incorrectly, I was pleasing nobody. My partner told me I needed to stop trying to do what I thought he wanted me to do and start doing what I wanted to do. He said he tells me when he wants me to do something, so the guessing is pointless and unproductive. Just figure out what I want to do.

What I want to do?
What I want to do?

What do I want to do?

Other than my love of reading and writing, I had little idea of what the heck I wanted to do. I knew what society and religion and environment had dictated for me to do.

I knew that I had convinced myself that's what I wanted also.

But the fact was I was never happy. Never happy. So it was obvious I didn't really want to do what everyone else thought I should be doing, or what I thought everyone else thought I should be doing (aren't the little games we play with ourselves so strange, and truly ineffective, sometimes).

Or, if I did, want to do what others thought I should do (or what I thought others wanted me to do), I still needed to sit back, take some time, and reflect on what I truly wanted to do with myself. If I was the only one in the world, if nobody else had any way to indicate to me what I should be doing, what would I do?

That was the question.

So I wrote this entry, called WHAT DO I WANT? And I made a list, as honest a list as I could come up with in the moment. This is my journal, so it's where I am brutally honest with myself, or so I think (but that's another story altogether). And coming across this entry many months later, I thought it would be a good reminder to everyone that in order for us to be happy, to be content, with whatever is going on in our lives, we need to have in mind what we want out of life. And we need to make ourselves happy first and foremost. Not out of selfishness, but because it's our personal responsibility. It's not my partner's job to make me happy. It's my job. If I am happy with my partner, it's because I'm happy with myself. That's just logic, baby. Logic that I was really slow to come by, but... better late than never, right? (See, I'm still seeking others' approval.)

And I can prove it to you: eight or nine months ago I was wretchedly unhappy. And so was my partner. I started taking care of myself, by myself, stopped expecting my partner to do nice things for me in order for me to feel complete. I started to learn how to validate myself. It sure as hell wasn't easy, especially after a lifetime of seeking the constant approval of others in my life: my mom, the congregation elders, my older sister. If I felt someone was mad at me for some reason, I couldn't concentrate, I had a stomachache, I was just plain miserable, inside, and to be around. But the fact is that I will always be pissing off somebody for some stupid or good reason, and though I may or may not need to make amends, I still need to get on with my day. I need to be able to function normally. I need to be the approval I seek, I need to be the approval I so strongly desire. I need to be strong in myself.

TODAY: I am, as my stepkids like to say when the doggies are getting their bellies rubbed, "blissed out." And the only thing that has changed in my life is me.

So here's my list. I wrote this October 25, 2008. I think it's a pretty good start. And for whatever it's worth, I post it here in case it might help someone else. If not, well, what are ya gonna do? Can't please everybody. Might as well at least please yourself.

I typed this out how I wrote it - so all caps means it was in all caps in my diary, one line starts with an initial cap, while the next one doesn't, repeating words or what-not, etc. You get the idea. Enjoy, hopefully. Or not. I like it.

WHAT DO I WANT?
10.25.08

• A husband who adores me
• to work hard and see fruits of my efforts
• to travel places
• to help people
• to get to move a lot for work - I hate sitting still unless I'm reading
• I want to MATTER to people - unknown and unimportant (Don't mistake this for wanting to be a "public persona" - no, I don't - but I do want to involved in my community)
• to be involved in my community
• to be someone who is known as kind, wise, graceful and dignified - someone who has a good head on her shoulders
• to think before I speak
• to not overreact to others
• someone who does not give up
• someone who is known for quietly enduring and putting others ahead of myself - always finding a way to smile through the tears
• Benevolent - to be benevolent
• confidence in myself not constantly seeking approval in others which certainly weighs people down (my partner especially)
• to consider what others need and how my actions affect them
  
• to speak kindly and thoughtfully to others
• to figure out how to be happy with what I have and stop thinking the grass is always greener elsewhere
• to understand that my mother is entitled to her opinions and they may be even be right and to respect that opinions mean different things to different people in different places and that's not only okay but how it works sometimes

I'm sure I'll be further expanding on this list as I evolve through life.

Now, if you are reading this, and you know me, or you don't, I welcome you to reflect on what you want, and if you are so inclined, to share your list too. It's wonderful to realize that what we want personally is not necessarily selfish in itself. What we want is meaningful. To fulfill what we want is our personal responsibility. Knowing what we want and being able to fill our own desires is part of what helps us to be quality people who are able to be of benefit to others.

I strongly encourage all people everywhere to spend some time on this process and realize, especially if you have never done this before, realize what it is that you want.