6/12 - I give this three stars because I reserve four and five stars for the most compelling, beautiful novels I have read. Unfair? Possibly. The book is good, the advice is sound. Allow me to elaborate. I think you will be interested in what I have to say. Just hear it out though, the end of the review is where the best stuff is waiting.
The funny thing I notice about some women is that they will dress up to the nines, do their hair and nails and make-up, and then seduce the hell outta the guy they are super into. And when it works - when he is just that into her - and they fall in love and get married, they suddenly think the man should just love them for whatever they are, and no longer put any effort into it.
The truth is, ladies, just because you are his wife now, does not mean he doesn't want you to dress all sexy for him and do those coy things that girlfriends do. He would love for you to flirt with him like you used to! Plus it was fun and exciting for you too, so it's a win-win!
Some feminists say it's degrading and they shouldn't have to demean themselves in this way. My opinion is that if you are not willing to do something throughout your marriage, then it is not a sustainable activity and you therefore should not get a guy's hopes up by "catching him" this way. (Just be yourself! Why do something you hate so much? You are just being fake if you hate it and do it anyway. And if you secretly think it's fun to use your femininity in such a way, then you are being dishonest with yourself to say you don't want to do it anymore now that you are married.) My opinion is also that you should stop taking yourself so seriously. (DISCLAIMER: Opinions are just that.)
And it's not degrading. Because we women are aware that we have power over men by using our "feminine wiles." It's just a fact. A woman knows when a man is interested and she may be able to get something out of it. We can abuse this just for attention and/or gifts, which is unnecessarily cruel and childish (if it's a man you are just not that into). But we can, and we women know we can.
This book basically teaches that women have all the power in the relationship, the power to make or break their home, to make it a happy one or a miserable one. Some may be offended by this, but since when is power a bad thing? I thought that is what we women wanted. Well, we have it. We always have.
Those who say men and women are exactly the same are doing themselves and the world a huge disservice. Women and men are different for very good reasons. Women need to stop treating their men like there is something wrong with them for being men, and instead find ways to encourage and appreciate their manliness.
The secret is really simple: love, respect, and appreciate your man, and he will fall all over himself to give you the world.
I have been putting what I read in this book into practice over the last month, and my relationship has improved a hundredfold. I would recommend every woman read this book with an open mind and find ways to apply it in her life. The concepts are really quite simple and women simply need to get over themselves and realize it's not degrading, it's empowering!
While I don't necessarily agree with all of Dr. Laura's politics (that's putting it mildly), her relationship advice is stellar! Every time I apply something she suggests my relationship improves dramatically. And I have never once felt demeaned by it. This lady does know what she is talking about. Give it a try, you just might like it.
(And I would even venture to say, to the men, that you should never marry someone who refuses to read this book! I am very serious about this point, Gentlemen. You deserve a woman who knows the secrets.)
4/15 - I just ordered this from the library because my curiosity is getting the best of me. What are the secrets to taking care of a man?
I am a feminist, which to me means empowering women, but not at the expense of other humans. I am not a man-hating feminist. I do believe my man should take care of me as well. My man does in fact do this. I do what I can to be a good partner to my man, but I feel that I could do more, if only I knew what to do. So maybe Dr. Laura really does hold the secrets to pleasing a man. It'll be interesting to see what she says.
(This review can also be found at goodreads.com. A great site at which to network with other book lovers.)
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5 comments:
I must respectfully disagree. :) I hope the following comes across friendly because I would never want to offend you. I just happen to have strong opinions on this subject. If this works for your relationship, then go you! I just want for my friends to be happy.
I guess I never knew any of those women who supposedly fake themselves before marriage and revert to farting and burping and never picking up a mess after. That's some pretty good acting.
I also firmly believe that it takes two to make a relationship, and one person can put all the effort into it that one wants but if the other person isn't putting anything into it, you'll just end up feeling resentful and angry and unappreciated. I'll put a lot into my relationship but if I'm not getting anything back, then it's over. (and where are all the books on how men can make their relationship better?)
I also think women have eternally been responsible for the emotional work of relationships and I don't see how this changes anything. I want *my* ego propped up from time to time, you know?
I haven't ever been able to figure out how to use my feminine wiles to get anything from a guy, ever. Is there a book that gives lessons on that? :)
Women don't have all the power in a relationship unless the guy allows it, and that to me isn't real power. In my opinion.
I also don't think any feminist actually believes that men and women are exactly the same; I think antifeminists are the ones who spread that misinformation - what we believe is that men and women should have equal opportunities and equal power. We're a long way from that.
Suppose both people in the relationship did the things the author suggests? Heaven, maybe? :)
(hitting submit with great trepidation)
Aw, Sunny,I should have included the disclaimer from the front of the book. The introduction says blatantly that this book will only work if you have a good man. If you have an abusive, lazy, or just plain asshole of a man, then this will not work.
It only works with one of the good ones.
I absolutely agree that it takes two! I would NEVER be the only one putting effort into my relationship, and I am sad if you got that out of what I wrote!
Re-read where I wrote the secret is to love, respect and appreciate him and he will fall all over himself to give me the world. Um, how is that only me putting in the effort.
My man is constantly thanking me, for washing the dishes, making dinner, doing the grocery shopping. Constantly. We ALL need our egos pumped, all of us.
So I really don't think you disagree with me! I think you have had an awful experience with a jerkoff man who never deserved an iota of what you gave to him. That certainly can color your view of what people should be doing in their relationships, I understand that.
The "fake" women I was referring to is because some men complain that their women NEVER put in an effort to look pretty for their husbands. I have seen women who I think probably fit this bill. My man sees me in my sweats with no make-up and my hair not brushed plenty - read: every day - and he still says I'm beautiful. But it does a lot for our relationship when I put in the effort maybe once a week to get dolled up. Plus it's just fun and makes me feel more confident and beautiful too! (It's win-win!)
Also, you don't offend me, my dear, we are all perfectly entitled to our opinions, that's the beauty of it!
As for where all the books are about how men can make their relationships better, I don't know, I'm not a man, so there's no point in me looking for that book. I was just doing what was in MY power to make my relationship better. Nobody ever taught me how to have a good, equal relationship. I learned that a wife is to keep her feelings to herself and basically be a slave to her man. I wholeheartedly despised that concept and it's part of why I couldn't go along with that faith anymore. This book was not about that AT ALL.
Comment was too long, Part II in a second...
Part Deuce:
What I got from reading this book was a better understanding of how a basic male brain and emotions work. Of course there is always room for individualism, but for me, it was a good education. I think you must know me well enough by now to know I want equality in my relationship. I have it. I get everything I give to my man back in spades. So I don't think it's a one-sided effort at all. I just think I am learning, from reading books like this, what I Can do to better my relationship. Never did I say the man does not have any responsibility in the relationship. Never would I say that! He has equal responsibility. Equal responsibility.
Also, it might help to know the context of my relationship: in the beginning I was the princess who got doted on. It was so much fun! That is just not sustainable! I pretty soon realized that I was just a taker, not a giver. So for ME I needed to learn how to make my relationship better. I needed to learn how to do MY PART. My partner was doing EVERYTHING! Nobody was taking care of him. So that is the context for why I read this book in the first place! Because whining at my man for not doing all the sweet things he used to do just wasn't making anybody happy.
Your feminine wiles: have you ever taken note of what makes your man fall all over himself for your attention? Take note, woman. You have an inner goddess that needs letting out. I believe in you!
Women do have all the power. You just have to believe it. And like I said, this only counts with a decent, respectable guy. If you have a man who is controlling, this won't work. If you have an abusive man, this won't work. (Also, if you try to tell your man you have all the power, he will probably resent you, so I would not recommend that!)
Your last point, about both people doing what the book suggests: is the WHOLE POINT of the book! The book is written to females, I am a female so I read the book. I apply it, my man does ALL THE SAME THINGS BACK TO ME IN SPADES. That IS heaven. And it is both people doing the suggestions in the book.
My man doesn't read books. So trying to get him to read a relationship book isn't gonna work. I took the situation into my own hands and the results are amazing.
Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
Also, genuinely, THANK YOU for your response. I really do appreciate it. Feel free to further disagree with me. I am here to learn, woman. I promise!
I heart you. :)
I don't think any ONE should always shoulder more of the relationship work, but in reality it's always slanted one way or the other. As long as in the end it's fairly equal and everyone is happy, then rock on.
I definitely learned what I DON'T want in my first marriage, and Mark has been a wonderful breath of fresh air. I guess the experience I had will always color my opinions but hopefully that relationship is fading. I know it is, because for years I avoided men like the plague and now I'm dating one. hah
Good. As hard as it is in practice, especially for people who have been in abusive relationships in their life, we really do have to love like we've never been hurt before!
And learning what you DON'T want is definitely part of the process in life of learning what you DO want.
I don't think one person should shoulder more of the responsibility either! I will reiterate one more time that I am a woman, so I read a book about what a woman can do. That does not mean I believe I should shoulder more of the burden or do more of the work. That means I am doing what is within my power to make my relationship better. It means I am striving to be concerned with MY PART, and not so obsessed with what others, even my man, SHOULD be doing.
One thing that is really hard for people to really put into practice is the concept of only worrying about ourselves in terms of what we "should" be doing. The example that comes to mind is when I ask one of the kids if they have brushed their teeth. The response is ALWAYS "Has the other one brushed their teeth?" It's so annoying! But they are so all-consumed with what they perceive to be "fair" that they can't even think about the simple concept of how this will benefit them personally to do this. I always say "Don't worry about him, just worry about yourself!"
I was uber focused on where my partner was lacking and it was making our lives miserable. When I decided to take on personal responsibility for where I could be contributing to the relationship things got tremendously better.
And honestly, my partner doesn't need to read a book. He is a truly good man who already knew how to take care of me. I just needed to learn how to do my part. :-)
I heart you too. :-)
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