BOOK REVIEW: Unmarried to Each Other

Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple by Dorian Solot

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
7/11/08: So far I have learned that my boyfriend and I are Escapist Cohabitors and Situational Cohabitors. While neither of these may be "ideal," I have also learned (perhaps from reading this book, more realistically from living it) that few people have "ideal" lives. We are creating our own family life and what works best for us, which is in my mind what matters most on this subject.

I love the title of this book. It was a gift from my friend a few years ago and I just now have finally picked it up. It is really well written/holds my attention and it has a lot of good information in it. I'm looking forward to the chapter on what we should call each other.

Why is there such a societal "need" for people to get married? I don't know why it is SUCH A BIG DEAL. Why can't we leave well enough alone when we know in our hearts that we are already married to each other in the ways that matter.

I have also learned that I am an "unmarried stepparent" which I like. I already think of myself as a stepparent to his kids, in that I'm an adult role model in their lives and therefore responsible for how my behavior affects them.

7/27/08 - I just read an interesting excerpt and interviews revolving around why people don't get married (whether it's "yet" or "ever"), and it has resulted in me not sure about this engagement thing my boyfriend/fiance/partner/main guy in my life and I have going on. I can see myself falling into "typical wife roles" and being unable to fill them properly feel that my marriage is failing, thus dooming my marriage to actually fail. We have our reasons for not yet getting married, and I do feel like the only reason we are getting so much pressure to get married from "well-meaning" family members is because we are living together. In my book, that is not a good enough reason to get married! The relationship is completely between my partner and me, and whether or not we get married, only the two of us have to deal with our relationship! So how is it fair for family members to pressure us? It's not.

A quote I read that I really love (and is presented as a joke, but still) is "the number one cause of divorce is marriage." Very good point!

I shall continue to read.

7/28/08 - UPDATE: I am in love with this book. Unmarried love. But committed, nonetheless. Not only is it incredibly readable, quite a page-turner, which for me rarely happens with nonfiction (though it does happen, and I am getting better as I press on reading what I feel will be worthwhile books); but it is also exceptionally informative (with sources and everything! not just someone's fluffy opinion), and has already taught me so many new things I didn't previously consider that could be really attractive alternatives to marriage for my partner and me.

Also, currently I have decided to refer to him as my "sambo," which is Swedish for "partner I live with" (specifically, sam means partner, and bo means to live with, awesome, right?).

My absolute favorite part so far, that made me laugh out loud and almost call my sister to read it to her (a successful unmarried herself who deserves much props for knowing what is truly important in life and in her relationship) is the following:

(This is what to say in response to the old adage that "He won't buy the cow if you give away the milk for free.")

"Point out that humans are not cattle. 'Mom, I'm not a cow,' ought to suffice." (from page 78)

Another helpful gem in regards to "How to Respond to Living in Sin Arguments":

"Help others to respect your decision."

If that doesn't work, "Agree to disagree."

"Live the kind of 'family values' that matter."

"Create your own family...an 'intentional family.'"

"Find a supportive faith community." (If you want religion to be a part of your life and being unmarried is the best option for you, there are plenty of faith-based communities that will be supportive of your choices.)

Oh, also, as I have continued to read, I have discovered that I don't have to worry so much about "traditional wife/husband roles" if my partner and I establish habits that work well for us now, they can easily carry over into a marriage, if and when a marriage becomes a part of our lives.

Also, we should have had a party when we moved in together. They do that in Canada - have newlycohabits celebrations. Pretty awesome, huh? Well, we can still do that, maybe when we move into a house later in the year/early next year. We'll have a housewarming/newlycohabits party.

Seriously, read this book. I highly recommend it.

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