Background: my first job since moving to California was an assistant director temp position for an organization that puts on music festivals. My second job is a program assistant position at a foundation office/grant-making organization, temp to perm, and it's the current job I'm holding.
My dilemma: Which job to choose.
The details: I became permanent at my nonprofit job about a month ago. No sooner did I do that but the music festival job (also a nonprofit but so not the point right now) made me an offer I can't refuse. (Also, an offer I didn't see coming, or I wouldn't have gone permanent here.)
Except for the lack of health benefits it's a pretty sweet deal.
I've spent many restless nights working out which job my heart must follow. I have obsessed over the health insurance issue and tried to decide if I can afford to go off insurance now that I finally just got back on it. I think I know what is best for me, but I have thought that before and hindsight proved me wrong. Still, I have decided to jump. I will regret it if I don't take this chance.
But now I don't know if I can tell these people at this overwhelmingly busy office that I really can't stay. I don't know how to tell them without burning bridges, that is. I can think of four people off the top of my head who will be so affected by my departure that they may actually cry at the news. Four people!
The thing is I really must go. My skin has been breaking out non-stop since I started here full-time (about 2.5 months ago). I don't sleep at night. I spend 90% of my waking life obsessing over the burdensome workload, office politics, and if I will ever catch up and feel like I belong. That has not let up since I started. My stomach feels like it is growing an ulcer, and the ulcer is having a dinner party. Intense stress has always had equally intense physical side effects for me, in addition to the number it does on my mind. These days my brain feels like goulash most of the time. Not a pleasant feeling for a brain, actually.
Since there really wasn't an alternative in sight in terms of another job, and this whole cost of living thing is sort of a big deal, I stuck with it and gave it my all. I thought "everything happens for a reason," which is something said around my house often, and that the bugs would work themselves out because life's journey set this job on my lap. I work with some really great people! My office space is fantastic! The country setting and the nature trail are a dream! And, it's only four minutes in a car from my house. Not to mention, they provide really good health insurance.
Are these actually reasons to stay at a job? Shouldn't the thing keeping me here be that I truly enjoy my work, feel valuable and maybe even valued, and share the vision of my organization?
Even though I feel that the work done here is really important, I hate about 50% of what I do. And the other 50% that I actually really enjoy is the source of the drama and stress. And now that I have another tangible and immediate option to consider, I have been daydreaming about not getting angry phone calls from desperate people whom the health system has failed and the only one they can take it out on is me, the program assistant who had to bear the bad news that their grant was [declined/reduced/not coming for another two weeks/enter other bad news here].
Does this make me a bad person for feeling this way? Am I selfish to understand that there is a reason I don't work in the health care field, that I just am not cut out for it, and that I take it personally every time I have to relay to a person why we can't help them? I want to help people, but at my personal expense? No one is taking care of me, and since I started working here that includes me. If I don't take care of me, who will?
OK, my boyfriend/partner/best friend/that guy I live with has been taking good care of me, but that is wearing on him as well, and besides he has all of his own drama to deal with (as does everyone, such is life). I expect him to take care of himself and lean on me for support, not rely on me 100%. It works both ways.
I know what I must do. I just don't want to do it. I feel like I'm breaking up with somebody. I guess in a way I am. It's not them, it's me. It's just that I will be totally gray within the year if I continue working here. Since I started this job I have counted six gray hairs that did not previously exist! Six! One for each of my six years of my second decade. That is too many, if you ask me! (And it's not in my head either. I showed Mike, who said I was making it up, and after investigating said gray hairs, he called me his old lady. Har. But then said I look sexy no matter what. That's a little better.)
I don't really feel like my unhappiness at my current job has anything to do with the other job, other than the other job being on the table provided me the ability to look at this current situation in a different, more honest (I think) light.
Well I haven't posted on this blog in so long that I really doubt anyone is listening. Sometimes it helps to put it out there and hope someone will read it. Are you listening, God? It's me, Naomi.
I could really use some advice here, but beware, I only want you to say what I want to hear. :-) Lucky for you, I have no idea what it is that I want to hear, so you're actually pretty safe here if you want to venture out and run my life.
Any takers? Anyone, anyone? It might actually be fun to run someone's life, even if only for a decision or two. You should try it.
P.S. I just rescheduled a meeting with my manager because I wanted to run this by some friends I trust first. Please, friends, HELP ME OUT!!!! I am not sure that I'm thinking clearly, on account of the deliriousness I'm feeling due to the sleep deprivation.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Oh, man, such an enviable and yet stressful situation! Here are my thoughts:
(1) 95% of the time, when I'm obsessing over how badly someone is going to take some news, they end up taking it a zillion times better than I expected. That doesn't mean that will happen in this case, but you may be surprised.
(2) One person's trash is another person's treasure. This job may make you break out in hives but it could be someone else's dream come true. Don't think of it like you're leaving them in the lurch, think of it like you're opening up the opportunity for someone else who really wants it and will excel.
(3) This is going to suck initially but then you will move on and they will move on and everyone will be ok. Remember that.
(4) Give as much notice as you reasonably can and no more. Be firm. I would recommend against telling them that the job makes you sick because they have to stay there. Tell them how much you like your coworkers, are thankful for the learning experience, etc., but that this other job is in the field that you want to be in long-term.
(5) Don't feel guilty. While making the decision to leave law school, I struggled a lot with guilt that I was giving up this amazing opportunity to help people but the truth is that there are a lot of ways that you can help people in the world. You should help people in a way that utilizes your talents and makes you happy or else you won't really be helping anyone.
Seriously, you don't need to feel guilty about quitting the job as long as you give them reasonable notice and leave on as good terms as possible. Although it might suck for people there to have to find a new person, it's not your responsibility that the office is super busy and apparently understaffed, and you're def not required to stay at a job that makes you unhappy forever just for your coworkers' convenience! Two and a half months is enough time to realize that this isn't right for you.
Also, I agree with Laurie completely that you will do your best work for yourself & everyone else if you enjoy what you're doing and it doesn't turn your hair gray and brain mushy. :)
If I were you, I would quit with the most positive spin you can honestly put on it: you love the people you work with, you think what they do is really great and you're sorry to leave, but you got another job offer that you can't turn down. I've also had tons of trouble quitting jobs because of guilt, but honestly, they've never gotten mad at me or burned bridges as long as I was nice & professional about it.
There's nothing wrong with realizing you're not cut out for a job, even a good one that helps people. If you force yourself to do something you hate eventually you'll just end up bitter & burned out and won't be much help to anyone anyway.
So get it over with, I promise you'll feel better once you know you've put in your notice and the end is in sight. (But maybe try to squeeze in one last minute doctors appt while you have insurance first!)
Having insurance is, I think, a big thing. But having a job that does not make you sick and stressed and an insomniac is a bigger thing.
Just by reading your post I can tell what you think is the best thing for you.
Also, a job is a job. It is not a person. You may love your coworkers and feel bad for leaving them in the lurch (if that is even truly the case) but that is not your responsibility. They will have to deal, and they'll get through it.
Like Malka said, if you leave in a professional manner it should not be held against you and I very much doubt you are the first person ever to quit working there. :)
Miss you, friend!
I like all the other comments. you said "i feel like i'm breaking up with somebody." they most likely do not feel nearly as strong, no offense to your kick-assness. really, you're the type that takes your responsibilities to heart. a lot of people don't. would THEY want you to continue working there if they knew you really didn't want to??? if no, then leave. if yes, then leave since you don't want to work for people that don't care what you want. life is waaaaaay too short to deal with garbage. move on. you'll be fine. but definitely look into health insurance ASAP, at least "catastrophic coverage" at a minimum in case a "catastrophy" happens.
if it makes you feel better, my roommate drove a very large shipping truck under a low bridge today and tore the top completely off of it. and all the top corporate brass are in town just to yell at his crew already for things that aren't ever their fault, and now he's gonna really get it tomorrow. if he gets canned and goes back to his home state, then i lose my good roommate (income)and we all lose.
so go for your opportunities when you can because you never know what will happen tomorrow anyway.
Naomi,
You need to leave the job that physically and psychically drains you. If you burn yourself out then there will be nothing left for me and Anya to come and visit. :)
Seriously though, I think you just need to give them as much notice as you can and go on with the new job. Let them know that while you really valued the experiences of working there it is just not as good a fit as you initially thought it would be. They will understand and recover plus it will also open up an opportunity for someone else. You need to do what is right and good for you, not sacrifice your mental and physical health for the others at that organization.
Check into COBRA coverage to bridge the gap until you can get some kind of major medical or other type of insurance though.
Love,
Mike
Thanks so much, you awesome people! You always have such good things to think about and suggest. Also, you help put me in my place a bit. I knew I was being a bit melodramatic but I wasn't having any success with shutting it off and seeing things objectively. I did the right thing to post and ask for help. Maybe an email would have been just as effective though. Oh well. Thanks again! I am putting in my resignation letter tomorrow.
You are doing them a favor by leaving. You are opening the door for someone to come in who is passionate about the work. 1 passionate employee will do the work of 10 over stresses, overthinking, really cute ones.
Post a Comment