The Demise of My Family, as I See It

(Note: Some words in this post may seem strange. Most likely that is because they are Jehovah's Witness brand words. I tried to define some, but some I left with no explanation. The feel of this post is from my heart and some of the teachings I touch on, i.e. the paradise teaching that the JW's promote, are written as if they are my personal belief system. I make no claim that I either believe or disbelieve in these teachings, but for the feel of this piece I want it written as though I do.)

My life is quite wonderful. I just landed the most awesome job in my new home and am finally meeting people. My partner and I are adjusting to our new lives together and are doing better than ever and are more in love than ever.

Then what do I have to complain about? Well, because I want to call my parents, to tell them my good news, to tell them about my wonderful job, to tell them how well I am starting to adjust here, 2000 miles away from my hometown. Only they would not even want to hear it. They would not be proud of any supposed accomplishments. They are not accomplishments to them.

I know a lot of people have it worse than me. I know I have nothing to be so sad about. I just can't help it sometimes. I miss my mom and dad. I feel ripped off of my parents. I feel that this is completely unjust and that this is the worst religion ever, to force families apart like this. I used to feel so lucky/blessed everyday that my siblings and I grew up and all still came home every weekend to have dinner at my mom and dad's house, that lots of families couldn't get further away from one another. But not us, we loved each other, enjoyed each other's company, made it through the turmoil of growing up, and all loved being a family and being together.

This has not been the case since my brother got disfellowshipped (Jehovah's Witness word for excommunicated from the religion), only months after I was reinstated (I had been disfellowshipped and had just been accepted back into the religion) for the second time. My family slowly deteriorated and now we are mostly separated, like we are not even a family anymore. I blame the religion 100% for this. My brother made mistakes. I made mistakes. We are not bad people, not at all. We are human.

When my brother told me he and his new wife were getting disfellowshipped and why, I started having serious doubts about my religion. I started this downward spiral into depression. I was desperate. I started to talk to some trusted friends who encouraged me to start building a support network outside of the JW's, as they knew what was going to happen if/when I came to a decision to make a new life outside of/away from the Jehovah's Witnesses. They knew I would lose my entire network of family and friends with whom I was raised.

I started to build that network and gained some of the best friends I've ever known. Then things got really hard with my JW friends and family and out of selfish desperation I tried to end my life. My mom thinks it's because of the guilt associated with having "worldly friends" and from missing meetings. She can't believe that it's completely the opposite of this, that the hurt and pain I felt was a result of utter confusion in seeing terribly wrong things happen in the religion I believed with all my heart to be the true religion with Jehovah God's backing, of seeing good and kind-hearted people mistreated on a regular basis, of seeing corruption within the organization. Mom would tell you that it's an organization that is made up of imperfect people and you can't expect perfection from such people. But the ways in which I was repeatedly disfellowshipped, as well as many of my close personal friends tell me that they expect perfection out of their "flock." It's a double-edged sword, in my opinion. How can you let the elders do the most disgusting things, and then punish the congregants for being human? How can you believe that is what Jehovah God would ever want in his name people?

My mom said something to me months ago that gave me a flicker of hope. She said "It HAS to be the truth. Otherwise all that we have sacrificed and worked for the last 30 years would be for nothing." I can't even begin to understand the fear and guilt my mom and dad would experience if they ever changed their minds about the Jehovah's Witness faith. This makes me feel for them so deeply. I feel such personal shame at how I have treated people in the name of Jehovah. But those people were not my own children. But the thing is, I never for one second blame my parents. My parents were victims. My parents believed something with all their hearts and brought their children up with a view to a paradise, a better future. My parents only wanted the best for us.

So my biography on a particular discussion forum frequented by many former Jehovah's Witnesses was pretty pithy and I decided it needed a bit of elaboration. Because I want anyone who might read it to know that I appreciate what my parents did. That I think they are wonderful. That I think they did the best they could with what they knew. And I'm actually continuing that tradition. I learned things about the Jehovah's Witnesses that made it personally vital for me to separate from the organization. I am doing the best I can too.


So this is my new biography:

Born to Jehovah's Witness parents in 1981, my parents raised me the best way they knew how, with my siblings' and my best interests at heart. I got baptized in 1997 at the age of 16, and though it technically was voluntary, there was a lot of internal pressure to do it, and a lot of responsibility that no 16-year-old could ever be prepared to live up to. I was disfellowshipped for the first time in 2001 as a result of being an honest-hearted person who came forward to heed James 5:14-16 (which reads, 14 Is there anyone sick among YOU? Let him call the older men of the congregation to [him], and let them pray over him, greasing [him] with oil in the name of Jehovah. 15 And the prayer of faith will make the indisposed one well, and Jehovah will raise him up. Also, if he has committed sins, it will be forgiven him.) I was disfellowshipped for trying to make things right with Jehovah and ensure I'd be in paradise with my family after making honest human mistakes. The elders that time told me they knew I was repentant, but they had to make an example out of me. I don't see that anywhere in the Holy Scriptures. I was reinstated in 2001, six months later. I was publicly reproved in 2002 for coming forward voluntarily yet again, disfellowshipped in 2003 (this set of elders told me that I was a repeat offender and had to be disfellowshipped because of my track record - do you remember the first time what I was told? If they had shown me mercy and reproved me, repentant that they knew I was, I would not have been a repeat offender), reinstated in 2005 (after writing and pleading and meeting with elders over a dozen times and cutting off all association with everyone, living in complete solitude and battling a very deep and very scary depression). My mom and dad, though they are wonderful people, are unable to understand where I'm coming from because of the fear of what that understanding implicates. I understand this needs to be The Truth for them. I believe with all my heart and soul that our religion almost killed me. I'm done with the mind games, I'm done with the man-made rules, I'm done with the judgment, I'm done with the conditional love. I have to hope that one day Mom and Dad will decide to just love me as their daughter, regardless of what my belief system is, regardless of what their belief system is. That's what I believe Christ Jesus would do if he were in their position. I believe I'm a wonderful person, someone they would be proud of if they knew me. I'm proud of me.